Fake News: This Is How A Heart Breaks
Title: This Is How A Heart Breaks
Fandom: The Colbert Report
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Gunplay, trauma, serious pain
Disclaimer: Two.

For the Report characters: They and their universe are property of Stephen Colbert, the other Report writers, and of course Viacom. Not mine. Sue me not, please.

And for the real people, the poem:
Please, make no mistake:
these people aren't fake,
but what's said here is no more than fiction.
It only was writ
because we like their wit
and wisecracks, and pull-squints, and diction.
We don't mean to quibble,
but this can't be libel;
it's never implied to be real.
No disrespect's meant;
if you disapprove, then,
the back button's right up there. Deal.

Summary: This is the story in mental images that I get when listening to "This Is How A Heart Breaks" by Rob Thomas. Sung by character!Stephen, on the day he snaps and brings a gun to the Daily Show studio.






Don't you wanna go for a ride
Just keep your hands inside
And make the most out of life
Now don't you take it for granted

Okay, crazy pundit making vague threats. Hold still. Don't make any sudden moves.

Life is like a mean machine
It made a mess outta me
It left me caught between
Like an angry dream I was stranded

And I'm steady but I'm starting to shake
And I don't know how much more I can take

He's "starting" to shake? Hah! He's gone off the deep e—

—ohmigod he has a gun.

This is it now
Everybody get down
This is all I can take
This is how a heart breaks

I'm down in an instant. You better believe the rest of us are too.

He fires—

You take a hit now
You feel it break down
Make you stay wide awake
This is how a heart breaks

A few screams of fear, but no more—he didn't actually hit anyone, that was just a warning shot—

Don't you wanna go for a ride
Down to the other side
Feels so good you could cry
Now won't you do what I told you?

He's talking to Stewart now, and the first thing I think is Oh, good, and then I feel horrible, because he's still aiming the gun at someone, it's just not me—

I remember when you used to be shy
Yeah, once we were so fine, you and I
And why you gotta make it so hard on me?
Hey, it's hard on me

Don't know what Stewart did—neither does he, I think—he's holding up his hands, talking quietly, trying to be soothing—

And I'm sorry but it's not a mistake
And I'm running but you're getting away

Stewart ducks right as the pundit fires—

This is it now
Everybody get down
This is all I can take
This is how a heart breaks

There's a scramble, then the pundit gets Stewart up against a wall—I'm not thinking straight, I know I'm not thinking straight—

You take a hit now
You feel it break down
Make you stay wide awake
This is how a heart breaks

—because I clearly remember the words That would be so hot under other circumstances going through my head, when, for God's sake, that's a loaded gun in his hand—

You're not the best thing that I knew
Never was, never cared too much
For all this hanging around

Wait, it's a sex thing? It's actually a sex thing?

It's just the same thing all the time
Never get what I want,
Never get too close to the end of the line
You're just the same thing that I knew
Back before the time when I was only for you

I called it—that's what my completely numbed brain is latching on to: "I called it"—

A few seats behind me, someone loses it. Hysterical laughter—the pundit whips around to face us; the laughter just gets harder—

Yeah, this is it now
Everybody get down
This is all I can take
This is how a heart breaks

He fires—there's screaming—I think he actually hit someone—

You take a hit now
You feel it break down
Make you stay wide awake
This is how a heart breaks

The next gunshot is the last thing I hear for a very long time.